JD

Why yes we did get a Skee-Ball machine for the office.

Mon, 01 Aug 2011 18:54:44 -0400

Why yes we did get a Skee-Ball machine for the office.

Official Ben & Jerry’s magicians come to Freeverse...

Fri, 15 Jul 2011 13:46:49 -0400

Official Ben & Jerry’s magicians come to Freeverse bearing ice cream!

Translation of RIM's Response to "Open Letter" from Corpspeak to English

Thu, 30 Jun 2011 20:40:00 -0400

Per the official BlackBerry Blog:

An “Open Letter” to RIM’s senior management was published anonymously on the web today and it was attributed to an unnamed person described as a “high level employee”.

We’ve started looking for the person who publicly blasted us on the web.

It is obviously difficult to address anonymous commentary and it is particularly difficult to believe that a “high level employee” in good standing with the company would choose to anonymously publish a letter on the web rather than engage their fellow executives in a constructive manner,

Everything in the letter is accurate, and we all know it…

but regardless of whether the letter is real, fake, exaggerated or written with ulterior motivations, it is fair to say that the senior management team at RIM is nonetheless fully aware of and aggressively addressing both the company’s challenges and its opportunities.

… but we will find you, and we will fucking kill you.

RIM recently confirmed that it is nearing the end of a major business and technology transition.

We have no idea what we’re doing.

Although this transition has taken longer than anticipated, there is much excitement and optimism within the company about the new products that are lined up for the coming months.

Excitement and optimism are a mandatory requirement for each and every employee. Check your contracts.

There is a fundamental business reality however that following an extended period of hyper growth (during which RIM nearly quadrupled in size over the past 5 years alone), it has become necessary for the company to streamline its operations in order to allow it to grow its business profitably while pursuing newer strategic opportunities.

Having no plan for the future means we’re laying people off. See Janet in HR for your pink slip and a complimentary Playbook.

Again, RIM’s management team takes these challenges seriously and is actively addressing the situation.

We’re adding two more CEOs.

The company is thankfully in a solid business and financial position to tackle the opportunities ahead with a solid balance sheet (nearly $3 billion in cash and no debt), strong profitability (RIM’s net income last quarter was $695 million) and substantial international growth (international revenue in Q1 grew 67% over the same quarter last year).

CEOs aren’t cheap. And don’t get your hopes up here - those laid-off, still fucking fired.

In fact, while growth has slowed in the US,

We hate you for turning your backs on us.

RIM still shipped 13.2 million BlackBerry smartphones last quarter (which is about 100 smartphones per minute, 24 hours per day) and RIM is more committed than ever to serving its loyal customers and partners around the world.

Look, someone’s still buying these fucking things so we’re just going to keep churning them out. No plan, remember?

"A good worker, is a live worker, free to live and work! A bad worker, is a dead worker, and vice..."

Mon, 27 Jun 2011 23:38:12 -0400

“A good worker, is a live worker, free to live and work! A bad worker, is a dead worker, and vice versa. Don’t be a bad worker! Bad workers are slaves - and dead. Payday for good workers has been postponed indefinitely; payday for bad workers, is cancelled.”

- American McGee & R.J. Berg

The art to a marshmallow roast is to set ‘em on fire, but...

Sun, 29 May 2011 21:12:05 -0400

The art to a marshmallow roast is to set ‘em on fire, but put ‘em out at the right consistency. These are facts.

Go go giant marshmallows!

Sun, 29 May 2011 20:54:05 -0400

Go go giant marshmallows!

A Measured Treatise on the Value Proposition of the PlayBook

Fri, 15 Apr 2011 01:03:00 -0400

The tech press is being way to kind on RIM’s PlayBook. Go Google for some reviews if you must, but stick around if you want it straight.

Now there’s no way to write this without comparing a bit to the iPad, as let’s be honest, there’s no tablet market without it. None. If you think otherwise well, I’ve got a car that is powered solely on misguided hopes and dreams to sell you.

The PlayBook is offered in 16, 32 and 64 GB configurations just like the iPad-

And that’s where the comparison can stop. You put these two devices side-by-side and it’s a fucking bloodbath.

For your $499 minimum, same price as the iPad, here’s what you get:

- A broken power button. [You can probably stop reading right here.]

- No email, calendar, contacts, or notes application. [Unless you already have a compatible BlackBerry phone. Seriously. Standalone versions of these apps are coming “this Summer.” Who the fuck thought this was a smart idea?]

- No BBM. [Unless you already have a compatible BlackBerry phone, again. The one feature that makes the 10 people I know actually keep their BlackBerrys, and they don’t build it in. Another genius move.]

- A buggy, half-baked OS.

- 75% of the iPad’s battery life.

- No app ecosystem whatsoever, nor a focused development environment to expect genuinely good apps to bear.

- A shitty web browser.

- A shitty keyboard that…

Let me stop there because it just keeps going. Seriously, outside of having a decent physical build, there are two groups of people that I can see buying this over an iPad, or even an Android tablet:

• People that are gluttons for punishment.

• People that fucking hate themselves.

What good is the smaller 7” size that you could ostensibly put in a very very large pocket and a PowerPoint app that lets you view notes while the presentation plays, if there’s absolutely nothing else good?

Sorry, that’s unfair, the reviewers have pointed out a few positives:

- The screen is good.

- The calculator is pretty.

- The cameras are solid. [However I’m obliged to note that if you’re in public and using a tablet to capture photos or videos, you’re probably an asshole.]

- The only version of Flash to ever ship on a mobile device and manage not to suck.

I’d say RIM should pat themselves on the fucking back for these absolutely stunning achievements, but they’re too busy defending shipping a piece of shit.

To sum up: if you’re in the market for a tablet, suck it up and get an iPad, a Xoom, or wait for the TouchPad - because RIM is telling you to eat a dick.

[This is also a perfect opportunity to point out that my first PlayBook take, which got more play that RIM’s official announcement, will likely prove to be fucking right.]

UFC 128 (Taken with instagram)

Sun, 20 Mar 2011 04:53:50 -0400

UFC 128 (Taken with instagram)

Sony Move, Bitch, Get Out The Way

Tue, 22 Feb 2011 21:08:00 -0500

Brought home Killzone 3 for PS3 today, and it finally hit just how bad the PS3 “experience” is compared to every other goddamn gaming device out there.

New game for the Xbox 360? Insert disc, press a button, if there’s an update tell it OK, and play. (Okay, I usually install the game to the hard drive first, too.)

New game for iOS? Download, tap, and play.

New game for Wii? Insert disc, point at the game, and play.

Oh but no, here’s what it’s like with Killzone 3…

1. Insert disc.

2. Hit a button.

Good so far…

3. Suffer through 10 seconds of Move safety warnings.

This kills me as I don’t even have Move controllers nor an Eyetoy camera. Why the fuck doesn’t it autodetect?

4. Game launches.

5. There’s an update. OK, I want the update. Download, install.

6. Game quits and relaunches.

7. Suffer though another 10 seconds of Move safety warnings.

8. Game loads.

9. Suffer through 5 seconds of epilepsy warnings.

Really? It’s fucking 2011. If your stupid ass doesn’t know if it has epilepsy, you best ask someone that knows.

10. Select language.

This is where I’m up to right now. I really fucking hope step 11 is Play, because this is entirely too many things.

[Image courtesy of the fine folks @ Destructoid.]

Homemade Grappa - fig & honey, coffee, almond, raisin…...

Thu, 25 Nov 2010 17:35:11 -0500

Homemade Grappa - fig & honey, coffee, almond, raisin… 90-100% proof.

Giant Tuna is Giant.

Sun, 21 Nov 2010 11:38:12 -0500

Giant Tuna is Giant.

Great job on that PlayBook launch, RIM.

Wed, 29 Sep 2010 10:09:27 -0400

Great job on that PlayBook launch, RIM.

Periodic Table of Controllers, courtesy of Pixel Fantasy.

Thu, 09 Sep 2010 17:08:00 -0400

Periodic Table of Controllers, courtesy of Pixel Fantasy.

Analysis of tact deficit during inebriation

Fri, 03 Sep 2010 00:10:00 -0400

N: "Okay, I'll see you when you get here!"

J: "… … …"

N: "*Hic* oh duh hahaha of course I will! Okay *hic* byeee–" *click*

Cups have feelings too

Tue, 06 Jul 2010 21:06:00 -0400

Get Away From Me With Your Freedom Bullshit

Mon, 05 Jul 2010 21:07:00 -0400

Someone’s always bitching about Apple and “control.”

Get the fuck out.

Think about all the things in your life that you need to have control over. Pick a tough one. Wouldn’t it be nice to not be in control? That’s one of the big reasons the iPhone is fucking everywhere.

So you can’t meticulously manage running processes. So you can’t expand the big 32GB. So it doesn’t have a fucking FM radio (really?). So you can’t put whatever you fucking want on it. So you can’t tweak every little detail about how it works and looks.

I know what my iPhone does and how it behaves, what to expect from it, just like how I use <font> tags - because they work perfectly 95% of the time, and that’s a hell of a lot better than a lot of other shit.

Open (as in the recent commercialized usage) for the most part is bullshit. I don’t want to have to choose between music players, I just want to know how my one works and what it does. Same for apps – at least the ones I keep on my iPhone. I’d rather have my expectations met and exceeded, than have to Google for why some built-in Google app is giving me shit.

If there’s one company I wouldn’t mind ruling the country, it’s Apple. Ugh, can you imagine the FSF pulling a coup d’état? You think it takes forever to get good Bills passed, just you fucking wait. And there’d be data all over the goddam place. You could’t find shit without messing with a hundred settings or knowing regular expressions.

It’d be great. Just wake up one morning and Apple has taken over. Ring ring.

“Oh yeah? Apple’s running the government now? How about that. Wait, is this gonna delay the iPhone 7? Shit now that fucking sucks. So there’s only one health insurance carrier now? They’re pretty good? You had me at “simple” and yeah I’ll take it. Better than what I got. Hey do you think they could put a Retina Display on the next iPad? Because it looks like absolute ass now. It fucking does. March 2011? Well I figure I’ll have the $900 by then, right?”

Sun, 04 Jul 2010 21:06:00 -0400

The Fundraiser

Sat, 26 Jun 2010 21:06:00 -0400

The latest episode of The Boondocks was hysterical. Watch it online here at Adult Swim.

People call me The Fundraiser. They call me that ‘cause that’s what I do. I raise funds.

I get my money up.

The first rule of fundraising is, don’t give nothing to nobody. Period.

No charities, no homeless people, Salvation Army Red Cross starving Africans, nothing. You cant be raising funds and giving funds away at the same time. Thats like getting high on your own supply.

I always had the drive to make money, and the plan. I knew that if I studied enough gangster movies, I’d know everything I’d need to know to take over the streets.

The second rule of fundraising is, that fundraising is not illegal.

See, that’s ‘cause you’re not technically stealing from people. They give you the money.

So maybe you lie about what you’re going to do with it, but you never actually take their money from them. And that’s why it’s legal.

That brings us to the third rule of fundraising. You gotta pay the cost of doing business.

Support Young Reezy at The Smoking Section

via tweetie

Sat, 12 Jun 2010 21:06:00 -0400

via tweetie

Hang on I'ma pilot this bitch like David Freeman.

Sat, 12 Jun 2010 21:05:00 -0400

via tweetie